I never will forget the moment that I first laid eyes on him. He sat two rows over from me in English class at the University we both were attending. He was a freshman in college, and I was a senior in high school taking college courses for college credits. He had shoulder length, dirty blonde hair, he was thin and looked freakin' sexy in his blue jeans. He was laid back, and calm. I was immediately attracted to him, his demeanor, and those dang sexy blue jeans. Normally, I wouldn't just walk right up to someone and start talking. I didn't initiate conversations, and I generally kept to myself, but there was something about him that just brought me out of my shell. Maybe it was the thought that if I didn't exert myself, I would never get a chance to be with him. However, at the time that we met, Paul had a girlfriend and well, I had a
Spring Semester passed, and Summer started. I had been single since the previous Fall, and I was having fun just doing things that single people can do. I was lonely though, and I thought about Paul a lot off and on. I needed someone, and wasn't having any luck with a guy who wanted me. Most guys looked at me like their little sister, and couldn't think of me in any other way. So, one Sunday morning at church, I broke down and gave everything over to God. I knew that God knew who I was going to be with, and when & where that happened was all up to Him. Not me. I left church that morning with a sense of peace. I knew that the very moment I stopped looking...that special guy would find me.
That very next Tuesday I was on Myspace (that's when Myspace was cool & Facebook hadn't quiet caught on yet), looking around at friends and searching for friends I had gone to school with. I can't even remember how I even came across Paul on Myspace, but when I did...everything I had felt for him when we first met came rushing back to me. I friend requested him....and waited. A couple of hours later, he accepted my friend request and I decided to send him a message. Paul claims he didn't know who I was at first, and only accepted my friend request because he thought I was hot. Go figure, this was my profile picture at the time:
Anyway, somehow or another we exchanged phone numbers, and had a date set up for the following Friday, June 23 (which also happens to be his birthday). Our first date was at Starbucks. I don't even remember the drinks we ordered, I just remember sitting there, totally enthralled with this boy. I was in love, and I knew that he was it. From that very first date, our relationship went into high gear. Things between us went fast, which is how I assume they are supposed to go when you meet the one.
In mid-August, things between us got kind of strained. He wasn't coming around much, and was hardly calling me. When we were together, he wasn't completely there. I felt distanced for him. Cut off. I knew that there was something going on with him, but I wasn't sure exactly what. Feeling rejected, and overwhelmed I sank into one of the lowest points in my life. I withdrew myself from everyone and everything. I wouldn't go to work, my Parents and I were arguing a lot, and it seemed that the only thing I wanted was Paul. That's it. For two and a half months I was wallowing in the deepest depression I have ever been in. I was in a dark place. A place I never want to be in ever again. But on November 15, just five days after my birthday, every question I had about what was wrong with Paul, were answered. I had gotten off of work, and Paul asked me to meet him at his Mom's house. I had no idea why, or what was going on. I just thought we were going to hang out over there. Until, Paul and his Mom had me sit down on the couch and they proceeded to tell me something. My heart began racing, and my palms got sweaty. They were about to tell me something bad, and I had no idea what it was. That's when Paul looked at me and said, "For the last six months, I've been addicted to cocaine."
My whole world crashed down around me. I felt betrayed, relieved, hurt, and broken hearted all at the same time. Betrayed because six months was the extent of how long we had been dating, relieved because I finally knew what was going on, hurt because he had lied to me for six months, and broken hearted because I loved him so much. The next few weeks were full of experiences that I wish to never experience again. I had to sit with Paul through withdrawals, and rehab. I had to make sure he was where he said was. I had to make sure he was getting off and staying off of the drugs. He had two slip ups with Marijuana after the confession, and after the second time I seriously considered just leaving him. I didn't know if I wanted to have to deal with this addiction for the rest of our lives together. I didn't know if he could seriously just stop what he had been doing. Stopping it all was an evident struggle for him, and I didn't understand why he couldn't just stop. I didn't understand the addiction. I lack the addictive personality. I didn't know if I could even help him through it. Leaving him would have been the most obvious decision. It would have been what any other girl would have done when faced with this issue.
But I didn't leave. How could I just leave the person I loved more than anything else in the world at the moment when he need me the most?
I stuck by him, and together we got through the dark place we had both been in. Paul has told me that this is when he realized that he really, truly loved me. Our damaged relationship was quickly being healed. For the first time, I was beginning to see that boy that I fell in love with in the old Donan Building at the University. For once, it was just Samantha and Paul; not Samantha, Paul & Cocaine.
Nearly a month had passed since his drug confession. Our lives seemed to have gotten better, and back to normal despite the fact that by this time, we had both dropped out of school. As Christmas neared, we found out that I was pregnant; a moment that I will never forget. I was scared to death, but not because I thought I couldn't handle being a Mother. But because I was afraid of disappointing my Parents. Thankfully though, my Parents love me to no end. They told us that we needed to make a decision on whether or not we wanted to get married. They didn't push us in either direction, but rather told us to make the decision.
Initially, Paul and I had planned to get married in October of that next year, but now that there was going to be a baby...we decided that waiting would be pointless. My Mom and I put a wedding together in a week, and it was every bit of the wedding I had always dreamed of. I never wanted a big snazzy wedding, but rather just a small intimate setting and itt was just that. Small, intimate, and sweet. I never had any doubts about us. I walked down the aisle with confidence, and I couldn't wait to get my life started with him.
It's hard to believe that it's been three years since that day. At times it feels like it's been forever, but at other times it seems like it hasn't been long at all. Like most marriages, there have been fights and times that I just wanted to quit. But when you love someone unconditionally, and have been through so many things together, throwing it all away on some stupid fight seems kind of...well...stupid. I can hardly stand to imagine my life without him, and I can't bare the thought of ever losing him. I am so thankful to have married such a wonderful guy, and although he pisses me off more times than I can count...I will never, ever stop loving him.
Here's to three years, and here's to three more years plus one hundred. Happy Anniversary Paul. I love you.
P.S: Excuse the crappy wedding pictures. When you put together a wedding in less than a week, there's no time to hire a photographer. Oh & notice my Preggo tummy in the picture of me from our honeymoon?